I’m tired.

I head to the bathroom at dark,
My family is asleep and I am alone except
for these thoughts that creep in,
Disgust and fear ring through my ears,
through my head,
I clean.
I dig underneath my nails, I will push the skin
and bite until I bleed, the blood is dirty so I
need to clean.
I must clean myself, I did it wrong, I’ll clean
myself again, my skin is raw, I am tired.
Two hours have passed and my knees are
weak, I fight through the sleep
It’s easier this way, if I don’t go to sleep I wont
have to get up and repeat everything, I’ll
stay awake for everyone’s sake, I look like
shit and my fingers hurt, my nails are loose
and I don’t know why.
I know why.
I go to the toilet again, I clean, I drift in and
out of sleep, standing tall like a horse,
The shadows shift and murmur, things
scurry out of view, the ceiling is dirty, that
tissue isn’t meant to be there but I won’t
move it, I don’t want to clean again, I go on
and on with no change, waking nightmare
and nothing changes, it can but I don’t allow
it, I don’t know how yet.

I am tired.