I’m tired.

I head to the bathroom at dark,
My family is asleep and I am alone except
for these thoughts that creep in,

Disgust and fear ring through my ears,
through my head,
I clean.

I dig underneath my nails, I will push the skin and bite until I bleed,
the blood is dirty so I need to clean.

I did it wrong, my skin is raw, I’ll clean myself again,

I am tired.

Two hours have passed and my knees are
weak, I fight through the sleep,
It’s easier this way,

If I don’t go to sleep, I wont have to get up and repeat everything,
I’ll stay awake for everyone’s sake, I look like shit and my fingers hurt,
my nails are loose
and I don’t know why.

I know why.

I go to the toilet again,
I clean,
I drift in and out of sleep,
standing tall like a horse,
The shadows shift and murmur,
things scurry out of view,
the ceiling is dirty,
that tissue isn’t meant to be there but I won’t move it,
I don’t want to clean again,

I go on and on, a waking nightmare
and nothing changes,
it can but I don’t allow it to,
I don’t know how to yet.

I am tired.